How to Write about the 'Burbs

After Binyavanga Wainaina's

How to Write about Africa

In a word, venerate. Suburbia is extoled for its order, calm, and meticulous appearance. Always begin with a panorama of manicured lawns, rotating sprinklers, proud roadside mailboxes, and dignified doorknockers. The sun should be glorious. The clouds are puffballs placed gently over a cool blue backdrop. Every third house has a dog. The dog is white, unless he is a golden retreiver. One house has award winning lilacs, another has a birdfeeder in front (and two out back.) Several have basketball hoops nailed atop the garage.

Title the piece carefully. Include words like "good," "safe," and "taxpayer." Do not include words like "misery," "abuse," and "bureaucrat." Subtitles should include terms like "hard-working," "quiet," and "good ol' American." Subtitles should not include terms such as "egregious," "pedophile" and "racist." The title acts as a hostess; it must be inviting and complimentary.

Always focus on families. Proper suburban families should always include two white* native-english speaking parents, one male and one female. They should be married for at least twelve years, more is always better. They should have children, at least two. Twins are preferred. The man is employed. He is usually the boss. He loves his staff, who are not neighbors. They love him too. (Here is a perfect opportunity to insert an admiring quote from a happy employee.) His wife, as she should be referred, can either have a job or not. If she has a job, she should also responsible for childcare management. Her mother can help. If she doesn't have a job, she is a "full-time mom." Avoid the term "housewife" as the twins trump her husband on the priority list. She loves her children, who are not spoiled. They love her too. Every family should follow this pattern with few exceptions.

Exceptions to the family pattern should include variables which are meant to be used sparingly, albiet not omitted. A facade of diversity is critical to the appearance of the suburban experience. As such, include one of the following:

ü      A family headed by Lesbians or Gays. These families should appear to be better educated, more refined, and have more fun than the rest of the neighborhood. They are not overly flamboyant, nor do they have central roles. Queers should be pointed out, then blended into the community without further attention. The children are always on soccer or baseball teams, the adults carry folding chairs to the games and wave from a distance.

ü      A single or divorced working mother. She should smoke cigarettes and wear sunglasses. Her hair is unkempt, and she should work at least two jobs, maybe three. Her children create ruckus in the neighborhood. They take after their no-good mother. Note that she does not buy Mary Kay from the other ladies, nor is she on the PTA committee.

ü      A Black or Brown family. This family should have two native English speaking parents, one male and one female. They should be married for at least twelve years. They should have at least two children. The man should be employed. His wife can either have a job or not.

ü      A native Spanish speaker. He speaks English without an accent. Portray him as someone who has "made it." He should never speak Spanish unless he is angry or making love. He should not be asked about, or comment on, current immigration policies. He should be the go-to person when questions about "over there" arise.    

There should be an intoxicating sense of safety in the suburb. The streets should loop around in intricate patterns, and have similar names: i.e. Apple Creek Lane and Apple Orchard Road. Outsiders should be deterred. For increased security, consider including a gate which surrounds the neighborhood with an armed guard positioned at its entrance. The guard should be a Black or Latino man who loves his job. He smiles at the residents, and is possibly engaging in a secret love affair with one of the Lesbians or the Divorcee.

Husband activities should include golf, television, and cigars. Occasionally, he should be tempted to indulge in the flesh of another woman, but this woman should never be addicted to crack cocaine or work for him. His wife should not interrupt him while sporting events are on television. His wife enjoys shopping, staying home with the twins, and making craft projects in her head alongside Martha Stewart on television. When interrupted, the wife does not mind. She should not have ellicit affairs, and should not take crystal meth.

Subjects never to mention include sexual violence (particularly incest), poverty outside the community, poverty inside the community, athiesm, anti-war sentiments, sentiments that could be construed as anti-war, sentiments that could be construed as critical of the United States of America, mental illness, AIDS, reparations, or universal health care.

Finally, pictures of children running through lawn sprinklers are imperative, as is a smiling photograph of the family which represents the chosen diversity-style. Also include one or more of the following: a girl scout troop planting trees, houses decorated with twinkly Christmas lights, a yawning cat, firemen, a priest, the landscape in front of a library, the super Wal-Mart.

End with a quote about the American dream by Dr. Martin Luther King or anything by Ghandi.